welp, its happened again. every now and then i just get that feeling in my bones. maybe its because fall has fell (even in los angeles) and the cold air has me all full of piss and vinegar. maybe im just that age where my soul is all tough and sinewy and my body is not afraid of pain. i just want to build something. i wanna pull a ryan gosling in the notebook and build a house. somewhere to settle down and live. but i want it to be my house, my blood and tears. my snot and hammered-thumbs and back-aches and sunburned back and cracked skin. i feel like i can do whatever i want with my hands and maybe i need to find out if i actually can. but i need it to be me. i think its just a guy thing – every man worth his nuts just wants to build, to make things grow.
its just restlessness. i wake up every day and go to work and i like what i do. but i wont be able to do these things all my life. someday ill have a family and a real job and responsibilities and the fear or anger or desire will fade away. and after that, when everything left of my body has softened and slumped and wasted away, what will be left of this young man? maybe im just thinking too much and i need to find a hobby.